Pacsui (⸝⸝ᵕᴗᵕ⸝⸝)

I have some big things that happened in 2025 which I haven’t really told alot of people. I recently got diagnosed with Gender Incongruence a.k.a I am Transgender/Non-Binary 🏳️‍⚧️ now!

I will add more things here as stuff happens.. But I am excited!!

Unfortunately the government decided they lost my documents and henceforth won’t be providing me with legal change documents, paired with the new Law which disregrads my self identification.

Let me talk a bit more about what I want to be identified as, Since I haven’t really told alot of people what I really am.

I well mostly identify as “Agender/Non-binary”, I want to be not labelled as a Man or a Woman, with no preference of any pronouns (any/all)

So I really don’t mind having MALE documents, but being Androgenous is more femme leaning than masculine, hence I am on Feminizing hormones ( Estrogen therapy ), to nullify my Testosterone dominant system. So far I’ve been really happy on my mental state, especially on my lack of beard and very soft facial features.

DISCLAIMER: This does talk about my absolute sense of self, with pure unfiltered thoughts. Please be mindful of what I am writing. Whatever is written here is My thoughts and doesn’t mean any harm to anyone else or to myself*.

As of writing this entry, the rules of the new Transgender Protection Act 2026 have not been released and everything being mentioned here is a speculative guess, I’ve gathered through various sources from Instagram/Whatsapp Group chats/People who are currently going through processes.

This entry will be turned into a Post later down the line on 1F3F3

Panic Attacks!!

Its been a very long time Since I’ve updated this page and it’s not going so great.

Indian Government has introduced a new Law regarding Transgender Protection Act 2026 which ammends the 2019 Law aiming to “Protect” the Transgender people, unfortunately it doesn’t seem to be taking in account for majority of the Transgender people who self-identity, which also includes me.

I have tried to get my TG card before this bill was passed into the Law! as It was applied in 2025 December (4 months ago!)

This was raised as a complaint in Prajavani session in Medchal-Malkajgiri, where DWO Ms Sharada has stated they can’t proceed with it as Aanganwadi has failed to deliver verification documents (which are present on the TG portal) physically and hence unable to approve the application.

In a state of panic I have considered surgery to change docs, and have had paid the surgery and tests and decided to back off realising the permanance of said surgery and the stupidity on how hastily the decision was made without proper planning (I am not proud of what I’ve done here, thankfully I came back into senses without irreversible change was done to me).

March has been a trainwreck where I now live in a constant fear and having Panic attacks regarding alot of things, I really don’t want to live this way, I had to speak with alot of people and was considering De-transitioning (which is still an option for me). But let’s see, there is only Hope… Hope about things may change in couple of years now.

My Initial fears of having Breasts is now back, and its starting to give me a mini panic attacks whenever I’m been called Ma’am.

I really want to cry… Cry at the hopelessness of the situation, I know I am far more priviledged than alot of people who are facing similar situation as me, but seeing the walls collapse on something I did not expect.

Now what?

Well, the medical system seem to be collapsing due to this, healthcare professionals are now no longer providing Gender Affirming care due to it being labelled Punishable/Jailable offense in the new Law ( Coersion? ).

Excuse my thought process of dumping everything as pro cons here like a school QA, I journal things in a flow graph which have interdependancy between my thoughts, I process everything as a massive decision graph (Which I have severely violated while planning surgery leading to unplanned stupidness… which I have managed to thankfully not go with)

These are the possible things I can do going forward, I do have preferences and the end decision is upto me for my own good and being safe.

Sensitive!! Click to Open

PS. I don’t want to have large breasts, I prefer to be more andro presenting than Fem presenting.

De-transition?

This was my initial and could be the most safest option at the expense of my mental health. I know alot of Trans folks would hate to Detransition once they’re on HRT. A very sensitive topic for discussion which I have just shoved on alot of people who have recently started HRT.

Pros:

  • Laser is cheap, I can keep affording it to remove my beard.
  • I am already very skinny and atheletic hence already very neutral presenting which I am pretty Ok with.
  • Independant from Estrogen availability
  • No Legal and Passport issues, continuing to use M marker, hence Safer.
  • Halting Breast growth.

Cons:

  • Chance of mental health spiralling into depression (I am not Suicidal)
  • Losing mental clarity and being on auto-pilot life again
  • Being too manly and Muscular
  • Body Odour hatred
  • Genitalia being back to their original state

Microdosing?

Pros:

  • Slowing down feminizing effects until I can figure out
  • Won’t be changing much from current living
  • Slowing down breast growth till I figure out stuff

Cons:

  • Uncertain about breasts
  • Availability of Estrogen supply
  • Possible Hormonal Imbalance and Testosterone Rebound/Oestreoporosis.

Surgery - Orchiectomy

This can be a valid path but not in the state its now and need ALOT more to think about, atleast late 2027 - early 2028

Pros:

  • Legal marker changes to Female…(maybe?)

Cons:

  • Permanantly have to have working medical system for tests and Estrogen supply
  • Expensive (Thailand most probably)
  • Uncertain about law invalidating this option post surgery
  • Permanent Infertility
  • Actual WTF…Removing my parts of body for someone else VALIDATING ME????
  • Have to go through Medical board… NAKED to be proved that I am indeed what I identify as??????

Decision Breakdown

I see the world in bits of decision graph that I can follow, they are not strictly directed, as some decisions can be reversible for me, which SURGERY is NOT!

OMG! I never was this hasty in making a decision, the Panic and urgency that I faced was just … it broke me.. that’s all I can say.

I am so Thankful, I did not go through with the surgery… would’ve been extremely irresponsible, especially without proper planning on taking care of myself post surgery.

How the …heck did I end up in the state of misery that this happened, for the first time… I used AI for therapy which is a horrible stupid irresponsible mistake. The thing with AI is… Its non deterministic and states whatever it has to say to sound … intelligent which IT IS NOT!!!, the sessions about wanting surgery went to how its still a viable option to change gender… the fact that it does not and will not understand the permanance of a surgery with the state of fear I was living in made this perfect storm of a choice.

Secondly, Bias of the people I’ve discussed surgery with, Usually I tend to ask people for opinions and expect varied responses with some being for and against. I am extremely thankful people have been supportive of me and have been helping me alot through the journey but … I got mostly +Supportive +For responses for me having surgery which just ended up giving me confirmation bias into getting it. Surgery went from a want to a need, the thing that really knocked some sense into me is people who I expected would make me reconsider decisions being supportive, made me re-evaluate what I just did. BUT I am really thankful for all the people who have given me inputs on my decisions, I respect everyone’s decision who really have put their ideaologies to suggest what could be the best for me.

I would still would like to know if there are better ways of proceeding forward, If you’re reading this as an external person you can drop me a mail pacsui@riseup.net. I would really appreciate it.

Thanks for reading this… I just had to dump my thoughts somewhere, I am doing a little better than couple of days back, Still having Panic attacks and nightmares.

Cheers! (˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧.